18. July 2019

I was kinda disappointed that we were being sent home, everyone had told me I was sure to have a fast labor and delivery, specially since my mom had had such fast deliveries and I had what was called “the ideal body type to give birth”.

On the drive home from the hospital the contractions were so bad I almost made Philipp turn around and take me back to the hospital.

We got home, and I sent Philipp to the guest room to get some sleep, I kinda knew we were in for the long run and I wasn’t going to be an ideal patient so I knew he’d need some strength to put up with me and my bitchiness during active labor (whenever that might be).

The midwife at the hospital had told us to go home and maybe come back to the hospital in an hour or two if I was still having contractions so that was the plan, go home, try resting and if it got worse go to the hospital.

Mom laid next to me in bed, she rubbed my back during each contraction, gave me reassuring words, and didn’t make fun of me when I would scream like a cow (like Gaby and Philipp would later do in the delivery room).

Contractions were coming strong and often, but I was able to relax between them and even get a few minutes sleep in between.

Now, remember this is my first natural labor since Mila was a C-section so I have no idea what’s normal. Even more clueless is Philipp, who just wants to help but is honestly just making it worse somehow.

After an hour he comes into the room and tells me we should go to the hospital as the midwife had advised us to do. I tell him I’m feeling ok, and I’d like to stay home a bit longer, I had taken a birth prepping course and had learned what to expect and when to go to the hospital so I was quite sure I was ok to stay a bit longer at home. But just like me, he has no idea what to do, and unlike me he’s not physically feeling it, so he’s visibly nervous and anxious and just wants everything to be alright, so he convinces me to go to the hospital.

“On the way there the contractions were so bad I was sure I was going to give birth in the car”

We get there I get admitted and checked into a room. By now I’m so happy but also terrified. I have absolutely no idea how much longer I can keep going on with such bad contractions.

Mind you, labor and delivery in Germany is nothing like seen on TV, for once, the birth is attended by a midwife, not a doctor, you’re not given medicine, or even a hospital gown, you’re encouraged to wear whatever you want, their ideology is that birth is something natural, and not necessarily something that needs medical intervention.

The first 5 hours in the room go by, tons of pain, but no baby. I ask for something for the pain, I was given basically a “relaxing tea”

Few more hours and I felt like I wanted (needed) a hot bath, so I did what I always said I wouldn’t do because I always thought it was nasty, I went into the bathtub.

I was there for a few hours. Gaby and Philipp would later say those were the absolute worst hours of the whole process, apparently my screaming was horrible, in the sense that my pain was too obvious and they felt bad they couldn’t do anything. I laid there for a few hours feeling horrible. After a while the midwife came in to check how far along I was. In my head I said to myself, “if I’m less than 7-8 cm dilated I’ll cry and ask for an epidural. Because I was in the water, when the midwife checked for dilation she had to wear a long sleeved glove, it went till almost her shoulder. And that made me actually feel like a cow, worse was when she said, you’re around 4-5 cm. I broke down crying, I had been in labor for 10 hours ! How the hell was it possible that I was only 4-5 cm?

I cried hard, and asked for the epidural. I had the intention to go all natural, but i couldn’t anymore I wanted the juice.
I asked for it and the midwife said no. She was convinced I could do it on my own, and encouraged me to keep focusing on my breathing and my “tuning” the cow like noises which are actually super helpful.

An hour later I was screaming for a C-section, that didn’t happen either.

I had to leave the bathtub since the hot water can have bad effects on the baby’s heartbeat, but thankfully I got an IV medication. It didn’t take away the pain at all, but it did knock me out enough to be able to relax between contractions.

During this time Gaby and Philipp would suffer the most, I screamed and then, made them feel bad, and I could tell they were in a bad mood. They had been awake just as long as me. But in my eyes they couldn’t do anything right, the way they would rub my back was shit, Philip’s affirmations were annoying, and Gaby’s ass wiggling (yes that’s a labor pain relief method) was inefficient.

A few more hours went like that.
We hit the 15 hour mark and then, it happened. It was time to push.

I asked Philipp to call the midwife, I knew I had to start pushing…