SURVIVING MOTHERHOOD

03. September 2019

So, here I am, 3.5 years after becoming a mom, and honestly, sometimes I marvel at the fact that we made it. And I say we, because honestly, I had no damn clue what I was doing in the beginning, to be honest, sometimes I feel like I still don’t know what I’m doing, like I’m just winging it, and hopping no one will notice.

For the first few weeks of my daughter’s life I was focused on one thing; her surviving, and not in the “holy shit I don’t know what I’m doing” kind of scenario (like now) but actually that’d she would make it alive out of the NICU, she pushed through and I go to take her home, then it hit me “holy shit, what do I do now” and it’s kind of been like that ever since.

For the first months I remember not being able to sleep because I was too afraid she’d stop breathing and die in her sleep, so I’d check on her every couple of minutes, then she started walking, and my head went to all sorts of weird places and impossible scenarios of how she could get hurt…

Then she started kindergarten, and I lost it. I cried my eyes out for hours!! I couldn’t stop thinking …  “Is she going to like it?” ,“will they be nice to her”, “I hope she makes friends”, it only took her a few days until she asked me not to walk her into her group, and she actually walked me to the door on my way out, and although it broke my heart just a little bit (lot) I was happy knowing she’d be fine, we made it.

“Holy shit, what do I do now”

We made it through, the NICU, the endless sleepless nights once I took her home, the first solid food, her first steps, PPD, being a team after becoming a single mom, the terrible twos…

Somehow we both managed to survive, on those days when I gave her the iPad just so I could go into my room and cry the stress away in peace, the “just give me a minute, mama is peeing” kind of moments, the times she would throw tantrums and refuse to eat a meal she had loved the day before but now all of a sudden she didn’t like anymore.

She’s only 3, so I know we still have quite a long road to go, and for that I’m thankful, for those are exactly the moments I could only dream of in the NICU, its definitely not easy, and damn, she tests my patience way too often, but I’m happy, we are fine, and we’ll survive.

Anyway, now she’s soundly asleep, (after fighting bed time for a while) and I almost choke up a little bit seeing how big she is, how far we’ve come, and I can’t wait to see what’s next.